Your Values Aren’t Real Until They Cost You Something

I posted this week about making an intentional choice to golf, despite my lack of interest in the sport, for the sake of spending quality time with my kids. I ended my post, though, with a question I didn't really answer: how does a choice you make honor what you value?

The truth is, we all assume we can list our values on demand: family, honesty, loyalty, health, etc. These words carry real weight and importance, but they're vague enough to fail sometimes as a reference when presented with a real life decision.

In other words, lacking the specificity to define what each of these values means to you personally may, in fact, matter more than we think it should.

A University of Wollongong 2014 study* involving mental health practitioners as subjects found that congruence between personal values and work-related values predicted both wellbeing and a sense of accomplishment. Conversely, incongruence predicted burnout.

The twist? Holding the right values proved simply not enough to achieve positive outcomes. The strongest results emerged from the subjects acting on their values instead of just believing in them.

Simply put, understanding your values with precision AND living them out is an actual measurable factor in whether you thrive or burn out.

So why do most of us stop at a succinct list of one-word line items?

Naming a value is the easiest part, but putting it to the test is where the internal conflict brews.

In a recent coaching session, my client was trying to weigh her options against a high-paying job offer, convinced it was the obvious choice because protecting her family was one of her top values, and a bigger paycheck felt like protection.

When we went all in on what protection actually meant to her, money turned out to play a much smaller role in that definition than she'd assumed. Presence, connection, being home, and available to her kids in the evenings outweighed every other element. Though the job would pay her well, it would cost her exactly those things, and she simply wasn't willing to make the trade. Once that clicked for her, the decision made itself.

A value mostly proves itself when it costs you something, when it's inconvenient, when it means disappointing someone or spending your Sunday swinging aimlessly on a golf course instead of lounging with a book. It’s turning down a bigger paycheck because your own definition of protection is different from someone else's.

Are some values just virtuous ideas that sound admirable? Ask yourself this:

Would I still choose this if it cost me comfort, opportunity, time, or someone else's approval?

If the answer is an absolute yes, then you can confidently carve it in stone alongside the rest of your other YES values.

But if the answer is situation-dependent, then you're likely listing a convenient preference borrowing a value's standing, and it's worth knowing the difference before you build your decisions around it and risk resentment.

My client didn't lose anything by turning that job down. She got to make a confident decision that honored her true personal values.

Aline.

*https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S2212144714000751